My Uncomfortable Mind

     I often wonder, if my life would be much bigger, bolder, braver, more successful, if  I did not have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder.  I like to imagine myself  as independant, and super powerful.   But, I never really believe it.      People have told me,…

    I  am feeling sadness, and guilt, because, I have not written, in this blog, for months. I consider, my, blog called “My Uncomfortable Mind”, to be my biggest accomplishment in life.     It has been a rough summer.   My husband and I, did, however,  go hide…

     It has  been ages since I have written.  Life has been tough for me.  I should have used this as an oppurtunity to write.  I just, haven’t been myself.      I went to 4 funerals and memorials, in 2 months.   The last memorial service was for…

      I am writing this blog entry at about 1:40 in the morning.  Usually when I write, I listen to music, specifically, The Moody Blues.  Not this time.      I have been sitting in relative silence except for the sound of the fan, and my sweet, deaf…

     I think that, I should have written in this blog, quite some time ago, however, circumstances, did not permit      I was  really phsically ill, with vomitting, nausea, coughing, and lung pain.  It was an on and off thing.  I went to the doctor’s several times, and…

     I,  had been travelling through life, OK,..  Or,.It least, that is what I had told myself,  lately.       Mental illness and PTSD, have fooled me many, times.    I didn’t know that things were going wrong.  I felt somewhat numb.      It was my husband,…

    I am mostly easy going, kind, gentle, intelligent.   But within me, there is a lot of anxiety, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of sorrow,  a lot of frustration,  and a lot of anger.      I have mentioned this, at points in this blog, that my…

      Recently, I went to see my physician for a physical.   During my physical, Dr. K. said to me: “I just want you to know, that you are extremely intelligent   I don’t think that you realize how intelligent you are.”  “Really?” I said.  “Yes”, Dr. K.…

     I may have mentioned, at some point, in this blog, that I have a younger sister and a younger brother.  Technically, they are my half-siblings, by my father’s later, second marriage.   They meant so much to me.      My father emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused…

     I have been, incredibly irritable for the last two weeks.  Every time my wonderful husband tries to talk to me, I want to scream : “Shut The Fuck Up!  Leave Me The Hell Alone!!”.   Even his asking me if I want a cup of coffee, in the…