My Uncomfortable Mind

     I am starting to feel good about myself.  I am realizing that I am a great person: kind, empathetic, intelligent, artistic, always giving.
     I am starting to feel good about life. Just a few years ago, life felt like an enormous uncertainty.  I wasn’t too keen on this thing called Life.  I didn’t realize that I had to be pro-active in creating my own happiness.
     In fact, it took until my early 40’s, that I discovered what happiness is.  In some ways, I am so delighted & thankful, to discover happiness, but in other ways, I am extremely pissed that it took 1/2 of my life to find it.  I grieve for the time that I have lost to misery.
     I hated myself for decades.  I hate my Schizoaffective Disorder, and the games it plays with my mind: severe depression, anxiety, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations.  I hate my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, fears….but really, I truly hate the men that caused it, in me.  For decades, I was a slave to my emotions and fears.
     I am now starting to like myself and I am proud of myself because suicide no longer seems like a good alternative to living. I am proud of myself because I work hard to keep my sanity strong, by taking my medications, going to therapy and support groups.  I am proud of myself, because I am a writer now, and also an advocate, and I never thought this opportunity would come.  I am proud of myself because I have been able to work part-time, at the same job for over 5 years.  I am proud of myself for maintaining my volunteer job at my church for over 7 years.  I am proud of myself because, even though we have had trials, I have been married for 20 years.  I am proud of myself because I have been able to maintain long-term friendships with some wonderful people.  I am proud of myself for letting go of my anger towards God, and strengthening my faith.
     I just keep telling myself that I am a valuable child of God, that He created me for a purpose, and I am now fulfilling this purpose.  I too, am worthy.