My Uncomfortable Mind

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     This is #100.   Can you believe that?  I can’t.  Because this is my 100th blog entry, I originally felt that this would be a celebratory piece.  In truth, I have something different on my mind.  I am going to use this one to make a written prayer to make peace with God.  You see, I have a lot of anger towards God.  I felt like He failed me, when I felt I was left to face my horrible childhood and younger adult years all alone.

My Dear Lord,
I  love You and long to accept You into my soul, but I feel so much anger and mistrust towards You.

Where were You, my Lord when my Violators were violating me?  I was so young, didn’t You hear my cries?

Why did You not answer my prayers, Lord, when I was a little child, begging to be saved from the Hell that I was experiencing?

How could You let me lose my half-siblings, Lord, whom I loved so, so much, when I tried to save them from abuse, tried to save their lives?  You should have been my ally, Lord.

Why did You let that bastard beat me and kill my fetal baby, and leave me sterile?  I will never get to experience the joy of motherhood, my Lord.

Why weren’t You there to persuade me from attempting suicide, shortly after I lost my baby?  I called out to You that lonesome night, Lord.

Why was I stricken with Schizoaffective Disorder, a serious mental illness, my Lord?  Do You see my everyday struggles my Lord, to survive, in this prejudiced, ignorant world?

Why must I live with PTSD, as a result of my suffering?  None of this is my fault Lord, why must I pay the price, for other’s crimes against me?

After giving me this lot in life, my Lord, what it is that You want from me?  What is it that You expect of me?

I shall try my best, Lord to accept You into my life more, regardless of our complicated history.

I shall work my hardest to let go of my anger, and to shed my tears, until there are no more.

Yours Eternally,
Christine

2 responses to “”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    This really moved me, I wish I had answers for why god allows suffering.

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  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Jesus declared these words when all the sin and suffering of the word was placed upon Him on the cross. Jesus knows your pain, he has experienced it when He took your pain upon Himself.But Jesus isn't the first person in the Bible to call out to God in their pain and ask, “Why have you forsaken me?” The Bible is filled with examples of men and women who in their suffering couldn't feel God's presence. Overwhelmed in the midst of their storm they cry out.The 22nd Psalm first records the words when David cried them out to the Lord. Yet the cry of despair is still filled with hope, with faith he trusts in God's deliverance. (You may want to read this Psalm, you're not alone)We don't know why David was crying out, his life was certainly filled with troubles, but what we do know is that in his pain he cried out. This man of faith, cried out. The man with a heart after God, cried out. I cannot say that he ever received an answer but I do know his faith seen him through. Perhaps this is why in his next Psalm he wrote, “Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.” David learned the lesson of faith, even in the worst of times we are not alone; God is there with us, seeing us through.I wish I could tell you the answers you seek but I can promise you that you were not alone. God was there, He felt your pain and took it upon Himself… if you would let him.

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Hello,

I’m Christine

My name is Christine and I am almost 45 years old. This is my very first blog. I am writing because I feel like I am living in a closet. But I am not gay, I am mentally ill, I have Schizoaffective Disorder. I also have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Not many people know this about me. I have been fearful of “coming out”, because, frankly, the human population has not always been kind to people with mental illness. But isn’t it time that we come to accept all of our bothers & sisters, regardless of their differences?

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