My Uncomfortable Mind

     Although I have felt mainly happy, for quite some time,  I still have struggles, periodically, that shake up my world.
     This past week, was especially hard on me.  It might sound silly, but my anxiety started around a toothache, and an appointment I had to make to a dentist.  I haven’t been to the dentist in about 3 years, because I fear the experience so deeply.
     Anxiety started setting in on Saturday, when my tooth started to hurt, and on Monday the anxiety attacks started.  Tuesday, I started having flashbacks of being abused by my father, in unspeakable ways.  I was, hysterically crying by 7 AM, sitting in the car, in full work uniform.  My gracious husband called my boss and told him that I would not be going to work that day.
     My Mother knew that I was too upset to go to work that day, I could not conceal my pain when she called me on the telephone.  But, I didn’t have the heart to tell her about my flashbacks.
     I talked to my Therapist and Psychiatrist over the phone.  My Psychiatrist gave me a prescription for a few tranquilizers, and my life consisted of work & sleep, until Thursday morning when I went into Boston to meet with my Therapist.
     My Therapist asked me why the dentist appointment was triggering terror & flashbacks in me.  I told her that I didn’t like things being put into my mouth, that didn’t belong there.  She understood right away what I meant, and if you are a child abuse survivor, you will too.   “It’s horribly invasive, isn’t it?”, she said.
      She also asked me if it was possible if my flashbacks were dreams.  I think that possibly, she is supposed to ask me that.  But my gut feeling was to punch her in the face, for what I perceived, was her doubting me.  But, in my calmest attempt, I told her that these flashbacks were so real, that I actually physically felt the abuse happening to me.
      On Friday, I finally went to the dentist.  I took a tranquilizer before I went, and was calm.  Fortunately, just x-rays were taken, and I learned that I need 2 crowns, just for starters.
     I think, however, that as time goes on, my dental appointments will become easier for me.
I am now confronting this fear.