My Uncomfortable Mind

     I hate to admit it or even talk about it, but the Holiday Season, of 2013, did not go well for me.
I should have written about it, while it was happening, but in hindsight, it was all one, big whirlwind.
     I will try to tell you about it now……It started a couple of weeks before Christmas.  I was at work, when I started to fall apart and cry.  It seemed to come out of nowhere, but in truth, it was my high anxiety level.
I was beyond overwhelmed, that Christmas was approaching……for so many, many sad reasons.  I told my great friend and co-worker, Bob, that I needed a hug.  He let me cry on his shoulder, and I was able to continue on with my work day.
     The next week, the week before Christmas, hit me hard.  It started with nightmares, then flashbacks.  I was having nightmares & flashbacks of my ex, from decades ago.  I had loved him so passionately, but we had a culture clash as well as, a love clash.  He thought that it was acceptable, to beat me, while I was pregnant with his baby.  I lost the baby as a result.  I never became pregnant again, as a result.  It was Holiday season, that this all ensued.
     Even though I have been through 20 years of psychotherapy to deal with my PTSD, it still hits me hard at times.  PTSD strikes sneakily at times, like a snake in the grass.  I ended up taking 2 days off from work, to try to pull myself together.  I felt bad, to leave my co-workers short-handed, but I also felt that if I didn’t take a couple of days off at that point, that I would end up in the hospital for weeks.  So, which is worse?
     My husband became ill with a terrible leg infection, the weekend before Christmas, and  was hospitalized for 2 nights.  I tried my hardest to be a good wife during this time, but in truth, I needed him to hold ME up at that time.  I lacked the patience, that I needed at that time.
      In addition to having difficulties in the Holiday Season, there have been problems, with a few of my in-laws, that have gone back since summer.  We haven’t seen several family members, for about 6 months.
I did not want to see them this Christmas, but I did it for my husband.  The tension was beyond my tolerance.  I put up a good front, but, realistically, I have never really felt like part of my in-laws family.
     I am hoping that the year, 2014, will go more smoothly.  I am going to try to write more often.
In the meantime, please share my blog,  My Uncomfortable Mind, to show the world, the mind & soul of a PTSD & Schizoaffective Disorder Survivor.  Maybe we will all learn something.
     And may your New Year be happy & healthy!!