My Uncomfortable Mind

     The past few days have been good, though I have done a lot of sleeping, much more than usual.  I don’t think the sleeping is “curing” me, but rather, is the symptom of my tired soul.
      Today, I went to a center, affiliated with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), that I have been going to for a few months.  I find it really enjoyable and helpful, going there.  They have support groups, and other groups like poetry & creative writing, art, knitting, yoga, dual recovery, etc.  Today in creative writing, we were asked to write about how mental illness affected us.
       I have been battling depression and anxiety since I was a young child. I was moody and emotional. It made learning difficult. I am smart, but my grades went up and down. I did not have many friends, and I was bullied.  My pedophile father, called me  “horrible” and accused me, quite often, in a nasty tone of “trying to be different”.  I was a scared child, often very sad inside.
       When I approached my twenties, PTSD really hit me hard, with flashbacks and recurring intrusive memories from the abuse of my father.  And depression got worse. I lost jobs and fell into bad relationships. When I was 24, after losing my baby by miscarriage, from being beaten by my “lover”, and continual abuse, I called my father and told him “that he had ruined my life and that I was going to kill myself”.  My father said: “Go ahead.  Do what you want”.  And I, thankfully, have survived a near fatal suicide attempt, that night.
         In my late twenties, I developed psychosis during periods of deep depression, in forms of audio hallucinations, paranoia and delusions.  I would hear my name being called a lot, I would hear strange music. I would fear that someone would try to kill me, or even believe that I was feeling the presence of the devil.  All of these things are very scary to me, I’ll feel that my mind is betraying me, by playing tricks on me.  I’ll feel out of control when this happens.
         Having Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD mean that I have been taking numerous medications and been in therapy for over 26 years, with at least 7 hospital stays, and 4 partial hospital programs. I also spent a year doing electro-convulsive therapy (shock treatments).  I have suffered a lot.  And what makes it really hard is that a lot of people are not understanding about mental illness.
        As I am growing older…I am now middle aged…life is getting better.  My doctor has worked really hard with me to find the right medications.  I’ve been working with my therapist for about 15 years and it is paying off.  I’m able to feel happiness now, I’m feeling more alive, I’m learning about myself, having more faith in myself, and I am making progress, I even have my own blog!  And I am so thankful to the people in my life who have stood by me, and helped me to believe in myself.  I am also thankful to God, for hearing my prayers and the prayers of those who prayed for me.