The holidays are over now, and the new year, 2013, has begun. It was not a good beginning for me, mainly because, I did something wrong, and now, I’m having a very hard time forgiving myself.
I won’t get into the details of what I did, because it is irrelevant, but let’s just say that it was a slip-up, a forgivable, very human, sin. But I am struggling immensely, and feeling worthless, even though, I have been forgiven.
I have always had a problem with accepting myself, and having good self-esteem. I think my father, is to blame, with his very sick abuse towards me from early childhood. He didn’t seem to love me, he always seemed angry at me, so I felt very unlovable. It was hard, as a little child, feeling that way.
My angry thoughts still yell: “You are a worthless, crazy, unlovable, loser, Christine”.
My calm thoughts try to say: “Christine, you are smart, talented, loving, and beautiful. You should not hate yourself.”
But it always seems that my negative thoughts win.
I am angry at myself for having PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, and for slipping up, when things are difficult.
I have been in therapy for decades, working hard, for my recovery, but still, I can’t forgive myself when I make a mistake. And I feel like a defective computer, because my brain does not work, the way it should. Does anybody else, out there, know how I can learn to love myself? Any input would be immensely appreciated.
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Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Now ask yourself why do you love him and why he loves you? God tells us to love ourselves as we love others. That is how I live my life. Who of you as not sinned throw the first stone. Judge not unless you are to be judged. The love of Christ reachs us all no matter what we are born with or created to be like. No one is left behind for his love heals all. we do have to live with our past but do not have to allow it to create our future. My past is a tough one and I almost lost myself allong the way. The way I found love was to look around me and see how many people I would affect if I was gone. Even if it is one person you affect you still affect more. The rippled affect of somone in pain is felt through us all. Look at the lost of the 26 children and adult just weeks ago. Give yourself plenty of time to heal because healing is not easy especially when you have an illness that makes it harder.So now you look at how many people you would affect if you were gone (I am one) and then look at how much love was lost when you left and that is how much you should love yourself. Jesus died fo you. Plain and simple and that is love. He love you more than you will ever know. Healing from old tapes is hard or old memories or flashbacks are evenharder sometime. I wish there was an easy way to help you love yourselve, butholdonto the fact people love you. I trully wish I knew how hard life was for you back then, just maybe I could have helped. You were so shy, no wonder. You were then such a wonderful girl and you have become a wonderful women with a lot to give people. You give so much to others, I wish you could see how you have impacted so many people for the good and maybe you could see how great it isto love you. By the way if you want to be angry at someone for having ptsd and schizoaffective disorder than be angry at your dad. Making mistakes is part of being inperect which I have not found one perfect person yetin my life. Itis hard to admit we make mistakes and to ask for forgiveness but you should pat yourself on the shoulder for being able to admit to the mistake and not beat yourself up for making it. Years from now I bet people will not remember you for your mistakes but for what you have given us all. love always your friend
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Thank you, so much for your beautiful, inspiring, helpful comment. It brought me to tears, because I was moved so much. God Bless You.
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Hello,
I’m Christine
My name is Christine and I am almost 45 years old. This is my very first blog. I am writing because I feel like I am living in a closet. But I am not gay, I am mentally ill, I have Schizoaffective Disorder. I also have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Not many people know this about me. I have been fearful of “coming out”, because, frankly, the human population has not always been kind to people with mental illness. But isn’t it time that we come to accept all of our bothers & sisters, regardless of their differences?
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My Uncomfortable Mind 
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