I went to church this morning. It was a small victory. I have only gone to church a handful of times, in over a year, for complicated reasons. The reason that I had originally stopped going was because I became psychotic. One day, sitting in my living room, I “felt the presence of Satan”. And I felt that if Satan could turn up with me, in my living room, then there must have been a good reason for it, and I did not belong in church, and I should not bring the Devil to church services, with me. Yes, I know how troubling and insane that sounds. Sadly, it was my reality, at the time.
Thank God, over time, I got better, and no longer believed this delusion, but my soul was still unsettled, I didn’t feel like I belonged at church, I didn’t feel that I belonged anywhere, actually. It was easy to make excuses not to go to church. But yesterday, I felt that wonderful desire to go to church, so I went this morning. And it touched my soul.
When it came time for prayer requests, I had one in mind. I wanted to raise my hand and say to the Pastor: “I have a prayer of thanksgiving. I want to thank God for giving me peace of mind and happiness. This journey has been so difficult, but I know that I didn’t travel it alone.” But I was too shy to voice this aloud, so I prayed silently, and couldn’t stop the tears of joy. I am so thankful, Lord. Please don’t let it slip away.
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God is not just in the church. He is in your heart and therefore with you at all times. Never throw away any chance to touch the part of Him within you! The joy & happiness that you will feel will get you through the most trying times. Another thing – always remember that there are many of us that love you one way or another. That love is real and can be tapped whenever you want. Stay strong and positive. You are NEVER alone! X O
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Hello,
I’m Christine
My name is Christine and I am almost 45 years old. This is my very first blog. I am writing because I feel like I am living in a closet. But I am not gay, I am mentally ill, I have Schizoaffective Disorder. I also have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Not many people know this about me. I have been fearful of “coming out”, because, frankly, the human population has not always been kind to people with mental illness. But isn’t it time that we come to accept all of our bothers & sisters, regardless of their differences?
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My Uncomfortable Mind 
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