My Uncomfortable Mind

I have many thoughts, but I don’t even know how to start, my mind is in chaos. As I have mentioned, I have gone no contact with my mother. She is a narcissist who spent my childhood in bars and sleazy dives…as a result, so did I. Her men were often abusive and alcoholics, child molesters, psychopaths. I am paying the price. People have told me to be positive but with CPTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, and some life threatening physical disorders, it’s hard to do. Why can’t I think more positively? Because at any moment in time, my mother will surely continue to try to make contact, destroying my peace of mind. In the meantime she is crying and sobbing about her “horrible” daughter rejecting her. And the family sides with her, even though they have never visited her in over 20 years. I blocked about 30 relatives, because I simply don’t deserve this. I felt like I was fed to the wolves, because nobody wants to admit their failures in protecting me. I am the one who was abused, yet, I am the one blamed for my issues because I didn’t tell anyone at 6 years old that I was being sexually assaulted by my own father. I now think that they knew it was happening but brushed it under the carpet. My mother even said “your father only likes kids until they are about 5 years old, and then only if they are giving him sexual favors “. Like what the fuck? Where did that come from? Why would she send me down south, every summer to visit him, to subject me to such horror? When she was married to my father, they argued and he put a shotgun to her head and threatened to blow her brains out… what mother would risk their child’s life and sanity and do such a thing, like sending them thousands of miles away to the homicidal pedophile. I just want peace, faith, joy, and , happiness, and they try to destroy it. They can’t accept that they never did a thing to help me, talk to me or protect me from living hell. They failed me, and don’t want to hear it.

I cut off all contact, but my mother keeps breaking through, demanding to know when she can see me again. Finally my husband told her to stop contacting me because “Chrissy is dying inside “. And of course she kept trying to contact and hurt me.

I just snapped…literally. Yes, it really happens. I had a psychotic breakdown and attempted suicide on July 3, 2024. That is how badly, I needed to escape, that is how heartbreaking it was, how tortured I felt. She would not leave me alone, I really felt that I was driven to this point, by my own mother. I was tortured.

Her house in Maine recently burned down, so the relatives managed to reach me, saying “Your mother needs a lot of stuff”. Sorry Mom, you fucked yourself over. I was a Mama’s girl, I have provided you with deep love, even though you are a fucking bitch, forgiving you numerous times for your disgusting crimes against me. We have provided you financially, repairing your cars, giving you cars, paying your phone bills, buying your expensive gifts for holidays. You don’t deserve it. I am just done. I was a wonderful daughter and you wrecked it. You didn’t appreciate me, you barely raised me, you left that up to others. You made your own bed, now you have to lay in it. I am no longer here to rescue you from your messes, to bail you out, to give you unconditional love, financial support (which I think is your main goal). This is Karma, and I have been waiting for decades for you to feel it. You created this mess, you are the cause of my hatred for you. Nobody will ever love you, like I did.