My Uncomfortable Mind

March 23, 2025

I think what surprises me most is that I have made amazing choices and changes in my life, that I never anticipated, that I never knew possible. My parents, I believe are both narcissists, my father a pedophile and probably a psychopath. They were both abusive parents. After 38 years of consecutive years of participation in psychotherapy and psychiatric care, switching many medications, as needed, getting into as many groups that I needed, I just kept plugging along.

The past several years I have been riddled with many types of serious physical illnesses, type 2 diabetes, keto acidosis ( with water on the brain), hyponaetremia, repetitive nausea and vomiting from gastroparesis, and hiatal hernia, aspiration in my sleep too many times to remember, if you are sleeping, you may not remember, until they found out that is was causing repetitive pneumonia and hospitalizations. There were inpatient psychiatric hospitals, and outpatient partial hospitalizations programs. There were medications changed, fluid restrictions, we purchased an adjustable bed so that I would stop aspirating. It works!! Asthma is a culprit this time of year as “ the trees are having sex” ( pollination), as my husband says.

I learned that my physical and emotional illnesses were connected to each other, and I really thought that I would be dead by now. I was so sick, hospitalized almost every other month, and it didn’t slow down until my mind found some peace.

Then, I was told not too long ago by both my therapist and my psychiatrist, that I am “ not the same Christine that I was, even last summer, that my progress has been wonderful , that I have worked really hard at my recovery from lifelong traumas“. I feel it too. I am far more happier, ambitious, active, healthier, though still serious health issues, most caused by psychiatric medications. So we have been changing and reducing the amount of medications that I am on.

I decided to go no contact with my mother, I just can’t deal with the horrible shit that she says to me, the way she is constantly taking from me, financial, material and sentimental things that I love, that she just took from me, her constant cruelty and disrespect. Around 3 years ago, because I refused to discuss politics with her and praise Trump, she told me to “ get the fuck out of my house, don’t ever fucking come back and I don’t fucking like you anymore, anyways”. Yes, my own mother said that. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I have not said much about my mother over the years, in this blog, because I just wanted to save our relationship. I stayed away for over a year. Finally, she asked me “ Are you still mad at me?”. I told her no, in truth I was working hard at forgiving her for lifelong abuse, and exposing me to drunks, abusive men and child molesters. She tells my own husband that “I have not been telling the truth, and what happened to me, didn’t have anything to do with her.” She was my mother and she failed to protect me and “fed me to the wolves”, as they say. After 4 weeks, just 4 weeks after resuming contact with her, and showing forgiveness to her, she started even more shit, and it was destroying my soul. I was hospitalized and when I was released, I never spoke to her again. Before my hospitalization, my husband told my mother to stop contacting me “ because Christine is dying inside “. She continued to contact me, though she was blocked. She was trying to contact my friends, who she didn’t really know, stalking me over the internet ( my father stalks me also, over the internet, reading this blog), trying to contact my husband, sending me cards, etc. But she won’t stop and because she has not physically threatened me, I cannot get a restraining order. Narcissists are relentless. They can’t deal with rejection, and no longer having access to their supply, of positive love, positive reinforcement and money. I was the one giving her everything she needed, materialistic and loving support. She can’t deal with the fact that it is all gone, permanently.

Being apart from my mother was the smartest decision I ever made. She was at the root of me hating myself, for my whole life, she was verbally, emotionally abusive with occasional physical outbursts and drinking heavily for a couple of decades.. I decided that I am 57 years old… why the fuck is she still trying to destroy me and my self esteem? I never, ever deserved it. I was a really good kid, also. So we have not spoken for at least a year and a half. I never intend to see her again. I will not be attending her funeral one day. I will not even make the arrangements. I am just DONE. She sent me every summer, out of state to spend time with my psychopath, misogynist, narcissistic, pedophile father, and what he did to his children would make you vomit. And I now I know, that she knew what he was doing, and did nothing to prevent it.

I could go on and on, but it’s early in the morning, I have not had my coffee yet.

Around 2 months ago my mother’s house in Maine burned down. The other relatives that I had blocked, because they weren’t much better, found me, coming out of the woodwork. The first statement from my cousin’s mouth was “ Your mother’s house burned down and she’s going to need a lot of stuff “. Two of my cousins had been staying with her for years, so I said “ well she has been supporting my adult cousins for years so now THEY can take care of HER. There is nothing that I can do for her”, I said.

It hurts like hell sometimes, she is my mother and I love her deeply, but I do not like her one bit, I never have and I never deserved her years of drinking, abuse and neglect. Both of my parents deny abuse, because they are both narcissists, they think that they do no wrong, they cannot admit their flaws to even themselves. “ Everything I did, I did it for a reason “, my mother would say. That is a common statement that child abusers say.

Some days are hard, but all around, I am finally feeling happiness in my life, I am doing the things that I love to do now, I am not stuck for weeks on the couch because I felt so depressed, anxious and devastated within. I felt worthless before, that I didn’t belong anywhere, that I was not loved. I didn’t write much over the past 5 years because of physical illness and CPTSD, constantly popping up. When I made the decision to excommunicate almost all of my maternal relatives ( I excommunicated my father over 4 decades ago), peace started to settle in…. I have been doing volunteer work at my church for 20 years, office work, cleaning a 34,000 square foot church facility, now for the Flower Committee, where we bring vases of chancel flowers to parishioners in times of illness, death, birthday, etc. Now I have been making ceramic vases to donate to the church for the flowers we deliver. They are quite impressive, I have to say. ( I have always been artistic). I had a volunteer job, working with homeless people in Boston, for a year. I was well loved there, however, I was being frightened, bullied and triggered by a violent client and I was not given the right support, so I had to leave, for my own sanity and safety. That has been hard. I loved many people there, and it was the most humanitarian position that I ever had. But things could get out of control, I didn’t feel safe. I was triggered numerous times. I had to leave, I felt like my mind was being assaulted, and I didn’t feel supported or protected.

Now, I am also working as a Volunteer Zoo Ambassador in Boston, and I educate people about endangered animal species, and conservation. My specialty are the Western Lowland Gorillas and I am learning about many other species and I LOVE IT!!! I used to be a very shy, individual with no self esteem. Now I see my value, I realize that I want to make a positive mark, on this planet, on people, on animals. I am always surprised when toddlers or special needs people latch on to my hand when I am answering questions and talking about the animals that live at the zoo. Their mothers say “ no no”, and pull them away. I tell them it’s ok, give them a gentle squeeze of the hand and ask them if they have any questions about the animals, even the toddlers who can speak a bit. I never knew that I made that type of impression on children or special needs people, like they trusted me right away and loved and appreciated, what they were learning from me about wildlife. So, I have had several callings in life and my faith has grown deeper, as well.

What I want to say also, is that my husband has loved me unconditionally, married 31 years. He is a brilliant, genius chemist, with an awesome sense of humor and an amazing love for me. He never raises his voice or grows impatient. He has saved my life more than once, he loves me more than anyone else in the world. I began to realize that God gave him to me, especially to bring joy and happiness into my life so I could grow into the person that I am today. I love you, Frankie. They don’t come any better than you.

To everyone out there, I pray “ for the entire world “, every day and I hope that you have joy in your life, and if you don’t have joy, work hard with professionals to find it. It really exists, sometimes you just have to fight for it.

Have a wonderful day!!