My Uncomfortable Mind

My mother and I have not have a good relationship, it was complicated. I have been through so many distressing and traumatic experiences with her, and because of her, because of her poor choices, in life and in men.

I, honestly believe that my mother has mental health and personality disorders (Narcissistic, anxious, depressed, entitled). I love, love, love her, but I do NOT LIKE her. We spent a lot of time in barrooms in a crime ridden city. Or I could stay home by myself starting at 9 years old, and cry for my Mama, because she left me alone. She was a heavy drinker until she was in her 50’s or later.

My mother had numerous boyfriends, and told me that she never got married because I didn’t want her to. In actuality, I didn’t want her marrying most of her boyfriends because they were chronically drunk, and often abusive to me and her, and I was in the way. I was 9 years old when I was offered Madrases, Pineapple Passions, , White Russians, etc, by Mama. When I was 14 years old, a guy in his 30’s asked me to come out to his car and do a line of cocaine. I said no. Thank God, that I never got into narcotics. I told my mother about what he said to me , and she just said “oh, that Billy is an asshole”. If I were a mother, I would not bring my children to bars and dives, and if someone that I knew of, offered my children dangerous drugs, you would need a SWAT team to get my hands off of them.

Anyhow, I meant to wrap this up quickly, but, my mother and I have no relationship now. After she threw me out of her house in Maine and told me that she hated me, because I told her 4 times in 15 minutes that I would not discuss politics with her. Everybody has their own personal opinions on politics, so there is risk of disagreement. She is of the Trump Cult. I wanted no part of those conversations, she was looking for an argument. She was raging more and more, each moment. That was the beginning of the end. After that, she never stopped with the terrible comments and endless requests for expensive gifts. I was a real Mama’s girl, but once she began lying and getting even more selfish , emotionally abusive, once I thought “How can I live when my own mother can’t seem to love me ?“

Well, that was when I realized that I was 57 years old, dealing with life-threatening illnesses, maybe 20-30 years left, and a cruel mother, continuously hurting me, I said “FUCK THAT !!”.

Well, it gets worse…her house burned down a couple of weeks ago. Now she has nothing. Even though I have not spoken to her in a couple of years, relatives are coming out of the woodwork, saying that she “needs things”. They don’t want her to take care of, they have not even visited her, in 20 years. I just told them that she was taking care of her nephews, that they are related to, so now they can take care of her. She always treated them better than me, and once told me that she wished that I was a boy.

I feel terribly bad, sometimes. My mother is suffering and the empathy within me, just makes me want to hold her and rescue her, but my intellect tells me that she would end up living with me, spending every cent I had, being extremely disrespectful to us. It would be detrimental to my mental health, to involve myself. My therapist and 3 of my Pastor friends have said that I have no choice, that she made her own bed, she can lie on it, I have to stay away from my parents….honestly, I have heard that for close to 37 years of my life. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt, that I don’t cry, that I don’t love, that I don’t feel traumatized…..

So, please send prayers to my Mama. I have to love her from afar, sadly.