My Uncomfortable Mind

     It is  now winter here, in New England, USA.   This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness.   Maybe to escape, my  own personal reality.
     As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord.  A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul.  I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something “wrong” with me,
    As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.  I can’t even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be.  I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
    Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness.  This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
    I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month.  Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing.   The tears are streaming, flowing easily.  I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma.  It all scares me.  I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche.  The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
     I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis.  And I will, forever ache and  pine for my father’s children from his second wife.  My brother and sister.
     When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings.   It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
    Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.