My Uncomfortable Mind

     I realized something, recently, that I hadn’t thought of  before.   I realized, that I think of my father, every, single, day.   I think of him despite the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect, that he bestowed upon me.                                                                                                                                        I  still cannot believe that I have space, in my mind, that I give to him  They say that as a Christian, I should forgive my father.   But my Dear, Sweet Lord, I just cannot forgive him.   I am traumatized within.   I will never be the same.
    Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts.  I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years.  In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations.  At times over the years, I was over-medicated.  I could not feel, for years..
     When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men.  I think that it was a father-figure issue.   To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood.   As someone, that I know said to me:  “B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old.   After that, it is only because of sexual  favors”.
     I have not prayed for my father.  But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children.  I am not there to protect them, from my father’s abuse.  It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings.  My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
     They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest.  I just don’t know how I can forgive someone so evil.