My Uncomfortable Mind

     These  last 2 weeks, have been torturous, for me., thanks to PTSD.  I had been having a lot of nightmares about my father, and my  ex, who thankfully, went back, to his home town, in Italy, after I was forced to get a Protective Order against my ex .  Both my father, and my ex, abused me mentally, physically, and sexually.  My half-sister’s Birthday  will be, in a few days also.  Triggers, triggers, triggers.
      I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying “Daddy, I’m thirsty Can you get me drink now??” He got busted by a 7 tear old.
    My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious,  terrified.  I have been irritable, defensive,  beligerant & basically, I don’t give a shit about anything.  I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up.  My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
      I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot  figure out where such  severe  responses came from.  But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
     I don’t understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble.   My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don’t feel strong.  I have attempted to end my life 3 times.  The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn’t go on.
     Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life.  Our sweet Lord, spared me.   I think that this blog is my purpous in life.