My Uncomfortable Mind

     I had another nightmare very recently.  I have had a hard time deciding, if I should write about it.
It is like my other nightmares, highly disturbing.   As you know, I have PTSD, and the main cause of this, was childhood sexual abuse, by my own father.  So, brace yourself, before reading further.
     In this nightmare, I dreamed that a dark-haired man was on top of me, having sexual intercourse with me.  It was so real, that I could actually physically feel it happening.  After the sex ended, I cuddled up against him and hugged him.  He suddenly, said to me:  “We can’t do this again”.  I said:  “Why not?”.   The dark-haired man’s answer was: “Because, I am your father, that’s why”.  I became shocked and hysterical, at this point screaming and crying, saying over and over:  “Daddy, I’ll forgive you, for molesting me, please, I just want you to love me!!
      All I ever wanted from my father was real father / daughter love and acceptance.  But, sadly, he was an abusive sociopath, and that will never happen.  I thought that I was coming to terms with this, by my soul still seems to disagree.  I’m 46 years old now.  I’m beginning to think that it will never fully go away.