My Uncomfortable Mind

     My bronchitis is gone now, and I am able to breathe easier now.  But, still after months, I struggle every night, just to stop tossing & turning, and get a couple of hours of sleep.  Last night I slept for about 3 hours, the night before, I slept just 2 hours.  I feel drained and sad and moody.
      But, I also came to a strong realization today.  There were times in my life, that I was so tormented, so depressed, so psychotic, so paranoid, so delusional, so angry, so isolated, so desperate for happiness and love and peace.
      Now, there is a lot more happiness, and love and peace.  Even though there are days where I feel shitty, for the most part, its been so wonderful.
      I also realized today, that my happiness, is the results of my own actions.  I have been very pro-active in my psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have chosen an amazing partner for life, I chose to work at my job, I helped to pick out our place to live, I have chosen awesome friends, I chose to adopt our little deaf cat, I chose who had to be evicted from my life.
     In my younger years, I felt powerless, and made a million well-intended, but wrong decisions and choices.  I had no clue that I could contribute to changing it all.  I felt that my PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, would some day lead, to my own self-inflicted death.
     I have to wonder if God has answered my prayers.  I know that relapse is inevitable, but maybe I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, next time my life feels so impossible.
      Thank You, Lord.