My Uncomfortable Mind

     Well, although I survived Nana’s funeral and seeing my abusive father, I did not anticipate the repercussions.  I didn’t realize, that I would open the closet door, that held the skeletons.  I didn’t realize the pain, that was about to come.  As my therapist said, “It was a Double-Whammy”.  I was hit with grief over my Nana passing, and hit with anger, over seeing my father.
      I fell, into a deep hole of depression, that lasted about a week.  A week, is a short-term sentence, when it comes to depression, but what shook my soul the most, was the anger that I felt.  I wanted to kill my father, to hurt him forever, thinking over and over, of ways that I would do it.  And I hated myself for it.  I was feeling horribly guilty for entertaining these thoughts.  I felt like a killer and couldn’t live with myself.
      Finally, in therapy, I learned that these types of thoughts were not unusual for survivor’s of abuse.  I learned that my feelings were not “BAD”, but simply feelings, that I had a right, to have.   I did not act on these feelings, that is what mattered.  I am not a violent person, ordinarily, in fact, I am quite gentle.  I am, however, a survivor of child abuse, domestic abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder, and as a result, I pay a steep price, in times of stress.  And it sucks.
      I can’t tell you, how many times, I have wanted to give up on life, because I just couldn’t take the struggle anymore.  But somehow, I pull through and survive, growing stronger and braver after each trauma or bad experience.  “What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger”.   And, I’m beginning to believe, that maybe, just maybe life gets better over time, if you work, to make it so.   And maybe, I should really give life a chance.