My Uncomfortable Mind

     My Nana passed away yesterday, and the grief is reaching me on so many levels.  My Nana and I hadn’t spoken in a couple of years, though I would send her cards.  She moved to Florida and  never told me that  she was going. Nana is my father’s mother.  If you have not read, my earlier blog entries, my father is a cold, child molester and I was one of his victims.  So our relationship was complicated as she kept pressuring me to “make up with my father”.  But once I outed my father for  abusing me, he threw me away like a piece of trash, and worse, he no longer  allowed me contact with my half-siblings.  Nana  never fought for me, never reported him to Child Protective Services, never fought for his other children’s safety.
     But I also have nice memories of her, when she spent time with me when I was a little child.  But when I got accepted into agricultural vocational school, where I thrived, and loved it there, she began to try to crush  my dreams by telling me over and over that  my education was no good, and that I should go to public high school.  I loved Nana, but could not stand her at times, in my life.
      So, now there will be a wake and a funeral, where I will probably  see my father for the first time in 26 years, and that scares me.  I have such deep anger against him.  I’m afraid that I will want to hurt him, and  I hate feeling that way.  It is not the path of Jesus.  So, I will bite my tongue and refuse to acknowledge him.  Please pray for me.